Sup motherfuckers? Russ Hanneman here. I made my lawyer put some teeny tiny fine print on the contract that I get to use Pied Piper’s site to advertise my sick festival. And those nerds are super busy setting up their internet for me, anyways. So I’ve got the keys, and I’m driving this bad boy straight to the desert. You saw my promo video, right? So you get it. This is gonna be the mother of all festivals. The MILF of all festivals. RussFest.
Tickets are still available, so if you’re hot, you should come. Don’t know if you’re hot? Okay, bullshit answer but quick solve for you: take a sec and lower the brightness on your laptop screen, all the way, keep going, until it’s black. Now look at your own face in the reflection. Would you fuck that? Be objective here. Yes? A definite yes? Okay then go buy tickets to my festival. If the answer is no, put the brightness back up ASAP and go get yourself a snack or some hemorrhoid cream or something. I don’t care.
Everything at RussFest is going to be fucking amazing. I mean I really hope it will be. My new tequila, Tres Comas, is the sponsor, so there’s gonna be unlimited alcohol. The food will be amazing, there will be rides and shit for all you carnival junkies, and the most badass music you can think of. All my favorite bands. The kind of music that makes you want to drive super fast around and around in a cul-de-sac with your high beams up. Fuck yes.
The Pied Piper geeks are getting their shit together so there’s going to be insane tech stuff, like you’ll be able to pay for everything with my new currency, RussBucks, all on your phone. It will be like its own little country of hot cool people and MILFs. Ruled by me. My name is on the festival, it’s everywhere, so it all comes down to me and my vibe and my energy, you know? So I hope I don’t fuck it up. It’s all gotta be perfect. I’ve picked out my outfits and I’m also bringing lot of options just to have until I get a sense of the desert vibe, so I’d suggest doing that too. Unless you have really great fashion sense in which case just wear something cool and then I’ll model what I’m wearing after your lead.
Okay, I’ve got to go practice my moves for the hologram. Oh, did I not mention the interactive hologram of me yet? Yep. You didn’t know I’ve been wearing a mo-cap morph suit while I write this? Well picture it and go change your pants you horny fucks. The hologram is going to be fucking amazing. It’s gotta be.