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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

pied piper

 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Pied Piper Taps Erlich Bachman for SVP Public Relations/Chief Evangelism Officer Position

Palo Alto, California—To manage its increasing media profile caused by its rapid growth, pioneering compression firm Pied Piper today announced it has hired veteran Valley entrepreneur Erlich Bachman to head up its public relations department, according to Erlich Bachman, Pied Piper’s SVP Public Relations.

Bachman, in his 30s but appearing years younger, launched Pied Piper at his Palo Alto incubator and was its first investor. He is no longer an investor; this might conceivably constitute a conflict of interest. No causality should be inferred from the proximity of the previous sentence’s two clauses.

“In the age of digital media, it is more important than ever to have a steady hand at the tiller when navigating the oft-treacherous waters of the press and public opinion,” said Bachman, rolling emails al fresco at his Newell Street hub of operations.. “As the compression space becomes more frothy, I intend to make sure everyone remembers who whipped up that froth: us.”

Successfully luring Mr. Bachman into Pied Piper’s employ, given the great demand for his services, is widely regarded as a coup, a second feather in Pied Piper’s cap, and a sign that the company’s well-documented stumbles are a thing of the past.

Erlich Bachman graduated from Hampshire College with honor.

 

Contact:
Erlich Bachman
Pied Piper
Newell Road
Palo Alto, CA 94303
These United States
www.piedpiper.com

Comments (102)

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  1. Erlich,

    Congrats on the position. Please keep us informed of all upcoming news about Pied Piper and your Incubator.

    Also where can I get a Jacket?

    I am very happy you got your position in the company! Tell Richard to give you some more shares and Dinesh and Gilfoil to admit their bff status.

    Sam

  2. Hey Brobro,

    Do you guys need any help with the ui, cause gui all over your mom’s face,

    That’s right Bro!

    Seriously, bro, I can hook you up.

  3. Mr. Bachman I don’t know who you are but you need to get your Google listings fixed. Whenever people Google my name they get directed to one of your profanity-filled web pages and are exposed to your juvenile musings on ejaculate and male genitalia. This is hurting my reputation and personal relationships. Please take some time away from smoking cannabis and pondering penises and get this fixed. I am not joking!

  4. Erlich your phone keeps saying my number is blocked. I just got a reimbursement check from the accounting firm for 6 million but the ATM auto-deposit says it can’t accept it.

    I can drop by and leave it on the windshield of your car if you’re tied up.

  5. Your shenanigans inspire me! I need to see Erlich in a more athoratative role though. The business seems to do better when he does the opposite of what’s logical and ethical. More froth please!

  6. Eric , you are smoking way to much weed to have sold all of your shares for ameasley 780k . How …..why …..come in man….did anyone at least offer you a jacket ?

  7. Erlich,

    Your a serindipical genius with an aptitude for circumventing disasters of your own making. Congratulations on your new position and may you lead Piedpiper into an era of prosperity and good fortune.

  8. I would like to invite you to a new start up where we could really use the talents you offer. Tampa Bay weed inc is looking for a new person to take us to to the next level. Can we talk about this?

  9. Hey Erlich, you are a pisser and make me laugh with your convoluted language. Congratulation on your new job and I sure hope somehow you get a few shares back in the deal. You should be rewarded for your loyalty.

Problem 1:

Single Points of Failure

Libraries are vulnerable to losing their collection because all of their books are contained at a single location. Say, for instance, that there was a fire, or a flood, or a vandal defaced John James Audubon’s masterpiece Birds of America by giving all the Warblers human genitalia. Even worse, if the vandal recruited bird haters from other neighborhoods and got ahold of all the copies of the book in existence, it could be lost crude doodles forever. It would be a tragedy on par with the destruction of the Library of Alexandria.

The Problem

Because Birds of America is centralized in one public location, it’s susceptible to permanent deletion. The same goes for content on the Internet — storing all your family photos on a single account in a cloud service? They could all be wiped away if someone hacked your account or corrupted the host servers.

The Solution

Our solution: In our decentralized library, we would duplicate and distribute multiple copies of Birds of America to your neighbors — if you need a copy, you would just go to your neighbor’s house. As our Pipernet town of mobile devices grows, so do the number of neighbors who might have a copy of your book. And the more potential copies there are available, the more secure the book is.

That’s what our new internet will allow you to do too: spread your personal files on devices across the world, so they’re completely safe from bad actors manipulating or deleting them.

Takeaways

All copies of your files in a well-known, hackable location = RISKY!

Files copied and distributed to multiple locations = SAFE!

Problem 2:

No Privacy

In order to check out books, you must have a library card — an ID that links back to your real world identity. That library card reveals all the books you’ve ever checked out, where you returned them, and whether they were returned on time.

The Problem

The tech titans collect data profiles on us too, and theirs are far more comprehensive. They amass thousands of personal data points by tracking our activities in both the online and physical worlds.

Users don’t own or control their own data, so it can be used against them. Take, for instance, Richard’s lawyer Pete Monahan, who had his probation revoked when the state retrieved his library records. Which was… probably a good idea. But for this metaphor’s purposes: bad that they can access that information!

On the web, our data profile is far more detailed, the laws around privacy even looser, and more freedoms are at stake. For example, what if Hooli sold your search data to an insurance company who then denied you coverage because you’ve HooliSearch-ed “kindest Palo Alto based Cardiologist” a few too many times?

The Solution

Replace library cards with anonymous identification cards which are impossible to connect to your real world identity. Instead of using a library card (linked to your name, address, etc.) to check out books, you would swipe a nondescript card (containing no personal details). Your activity would be tracked to keep the system stable, but your identity would not be siphoned and sold. I, for example, would no longer check out books as "Donald Dunn," but rather the nom de guerre "h3w0vbk37vpm."

That’s what our new internet will allow you to do too: use its apps and services without compromising your privacy.

Takeaways

Trading your identity and data for online services = RISKY!

Using services anonymously so nobody can target you = SAFE!

Problem 3:

Censorship and Manipulation

Because a town’s library is run by a small group of administrators, they could theoretically decide what books are available to its people. They could even decide to ban Birds of America, depriving young birders of Audubon’s elegant illustrations, pored over page by page under a government-issued blanket after lights out, giving you hope that even a slender-framed, shivering boy could grow to be as majestic as a Hooded Merganser.

The Problem

On the internet, multinational corporations can screen content, or even “adapt” their services to fit the local government’s requests. In both libraries and on the Web, we’re susceptible to data being censored or manipulated by intermediaries.

The Solution

A peer-to-peer lending system backed up by a fully public ledger, allowing you to send and receive books freely to anybody in the world without worrying about censorship or interference. Want to add Catcher in the Rye, Fahrenheit 451, or your controversial essay on Audubon’s coloring techniques? No problem, even if the town surrounded you with pitchforks to ban them, these vital texts would be available to share neighbor to neighbor, impossible to delete.

That’s what our new internet will allow you to do too: exchange messages and files directly with their intended receiver, disperse ideas and information free from threats of censorship.

Takeaways

Pushing all transactions through a central authority = OPPRESSIVE!

Establishing a peer to peer exchange system based on an immutable public ledger = FREE!

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