Our Workplace Harassment Policy

Time to get real here, people.

We’ve had a lot of fun on this blog. No one more than I. You have no idea how I look forward to settling down with the ol’ laptop, a nice pear cider and banging out a post for you good folks to read. But now, I want to start a dialogue about something of great importance, particularly here in the Valley where our track record has been decidedly mixed: I’m talking about Pied Piper’s workplace harassment policy. 

Pied Piper has instituted a zero-tolerance workplace harassment policy. Any employee experiencing harassment is urged to report this to the Acting Vice-Director of Human Resources—that’s me (no one else wanted to do it). I made myself vice instead of full acting director so as not to seem intimidating to employees wishing to report abuse. After a report of this kind, an investigation will occur. The employee(s) in question will be spoken to. And if appropriate, disciplined up to actual termination (!). The anonymity of the complainant will be strictly maintained. 

Pied Piper will, of course, have zero tolerance for harassment based on gender, race, sexuality, religion or lack thereof, class, trans status or ableness. Pied Piper will also of course not merely prohibit harassment that is direct and public but also less direct harassment that creates a hostile workplace. But furthermore, Pied Piper will join the cutting edge of the harassment-detection industry in forbidding microaggressions, nanoaggresions, picoaggressions, yoctoaggressions and all such oppression “particles,” if you will, down to the quantum level.

Pied Piper additionally forbids man-splaining, white-splaining, straight-splaining, cis-splaining, able-splaining, splain-splaining, splain-plaining, splain-shaming and, in general, saying things people doesn’t like. Discussion or possession of the Kurt Vonnegut short story “Harrison Bergeron” will be grounds for immediate termination.

Next Tuesday, I will lead a harassment workshop, “Understanding  Why What You’re Saying Is Terrible.” There will be cupcakes.

Comments (451)

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  1. Sgt. Willy Dunlop says:

    I would like to harass cunty with my PP swag.

  2. J. H. Christ says:

    Are Christians still banned in California? I’m feeling macro-aggressors by atheists and the climate change cult.

  3. Bazingas says:

    I want to soil the left over watermelon in the break room. Is the microwave still broken?

  4. Jacques Cuze says:

    Thank you so much for outlawing Bergeron!

  5. Mojo Jojo says:

    I would like to report I am being oppressed.

  6. LWu says:

    I don’t see transplaining in that list.

  7. Rad Dad says:

    okay

  8. B Rad says:

    Yeah it’s real.

  9. poop says:

    This guy fucks

  10. Vespucci Valdez says:

    jared dunn fucks

  11. jabroni malone says:

    what up bitches

  12. Giorgetto says:

    Are these comments real?

  13. Steve Jobs says:

    Are you reaffirming your zero-tolerance policy on employing women?

  14. Harris says:

    Will the cupcakes be shaped like pussy-holes?

  15. Chaz says:

    Are you guys still hiring? I’d like to have one job please.

  16. Nuke Israel says:

    You’re horny for my code?