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I have shocking news. Pied Piper is involved in the business of…Homicide.

Whoa, hold on now! Before you go dialing 911, I’m talking about the energy drink Homicide.

You know, from the “Energy Drink That Doesn’t Give A F**k!” ads starring Tucker Max, that pop up every time you’re on Vice.com? Well, that same refreshing, high-in-taurine soft drink empire is hiring Pied Piper to power its livestream of an upcoming stunt. We saw the humiliation Hooli suffered after its UFC livestream debacle and thought a livestream of our own would be a neat way to differentiate us from the soulless behemoth currently trying to sue us out of existence. So you might say our doing business with Homicide was justifiable! (Homicide, that is.)

We were able to get in touch with Homicide’s founder and CEO, Aaron “Double-A” Anderson, because of our investor Erlich Bachmann’s collegiate connection, and we look forward to formally announcing the stunt soon!

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  1. Homicide Energy has been my inspiration for several new sports. First, Robotic Human Hunting, you get one of them human looking robots release it into the jungle and sell lottery tickets for the hunt. Second wild boar fighting, we have problems with wild boars in Texas so we catch them and make them fight one another. The other two have not been deemed humane yet so I will not speak of them but I see a strong future for the world of knife throwing and prairie dog hunting. Homicide Energy helped me clean up my farm land in 5 days.

  2. Just got back from breaking mountains with my fists. Homicide energy turns my fists into dynamite.

  3. I work at Homicide and I am wondering which one of you asswads posted a SWOT analysis of why Blaine should die?

    1. Dinesh stole blaines next stunt and blaines wife and kids left him because they wanted someone who was cooler than him.

  4. I won a case of these energy drinks on The Price is Right and recently drank my last and ran out. Can someone please tell me where I can find them, someone said bodega’s and adult novelty stores. I will pay up to ten dollars a can as they have been very hard for me to find.

  5. Homicide has changed my life in so many ways, I used to think it was cool to commit domestic violence until I found Homicide. Who says medicine cant come in a can.

  6. I used to think that the war on terror was an unbeatable war until I tried Guantanamo Blood. I’m no longer afraid to call cab drivers terrorists and sleep with there wives. We may not wake up with 100 virgins but we sure as hell can sleep with your wife.

  7. Been drinking Homicide for about 2 months now and I still cant figure out why I can beat up the jocks and meat heads I used to be afraid to even talk too. Guantanamo Blood makes me feel strong in ways that I never even knew existed.

  8. I luv luv luv energy drinks…gotta go get another, but before I do…did I say how much i luv luv luv these drinks….cool cool cool

Problem 1:

Single Points of Failure

Libraries are vulnerable to losing their collection because all of their books are contained at a single location. Say, for instance, that there was a fire, or a flood, or a vandal defaced John James Audubon’s masterpiece Birds of America by giving all the Warblers human genitalia. Even worse, if the vandal recruited bird haters from other neighborhoods and got ahold of all the copies of the book in existence, it could be lost crude doodles forever. It would be a tragedy on par with the destruction of the Library of Alexandria.

The Problem

Because Birds of America is centralized in one public location, it’s susceptible to permanent deletion. The same goes for content on the Internet — storing all your family photos on a single account in a cloud service? They could all be wiped away if someone hacked your account or corrupted the host servers.

The Solution

Our solution: In our decentralized library, we would duplicate and distribute multiple copies of Birds of America to your neighbors — if you need a copy, you would just go to your neighbor’s house. As our Pipernet town of mobile devices grows, so do the number of neighbors who might have a copy of your book. And the more potential copies there are available, the more secure the book is.

That’s what our new internet will allow you to do too: spread your personal files on devices across the world, so they’re completely safe from bad actors manipulating or deleting them.


All copies of your files in a well-known, hackable location = RISKY!

Files copied and distributed to multiple locations = SAFE!

Problem 2:

No Privacy

In order to check out books, you must have a library card — an ID that links back to your real world identity. That library card reveals all the books you’ve ever checked out, where you returned them, and whether they were returned on time.

The Problem

The tech titans collect data profiles on us too, and theirs are far more comprehensive. They amass thousands of personal data points by tracking our activities in both the online and physical worlds.

Users don’t own or control their own data, so it can be used against them. Take, for instance, Richard’s lawyer Pete Monahan, who had his probation revoked when the state retrieved his library records. Which was… probably a good idea. But for this metaphor’s purposes: bad that they can access that information!

On the web, our data profile is far more detailed, the laws around privacy even looser, and more freedoms are at stake. For example, what if Hooli sold your search data to an insurance company who then denied you coverage because you’ve HooliSearch-ed “kindest Palo Alto based Cardiologist” a few too many times?

The Solution

Replace library cards with anonymous identification cards which are impossible to connect to your real world identity. Instead of using a library card (linked to your name, address, etc.) to check out books, you would swipe a nondescript card (containing no personal details). Your activity would be tracked to keep the system stable, but your identity would not be siphoned and sold. I, for example, would no longer check out books as "Donald Dunn," but rather the nom de guerre "h3w0vbk37vpm."

That’s what our new internet will allow you to do too: use its apps and services without compromising your privacy.


Trading your identity and data for online services = RISKY!

Using services anonymously so nobody can target you = SAFE!

Problem 3:

Censorship and Manipulation

Because a town’s library is run by a small group of administrators, they could theoretically decide what books are available to its people. They could even decide to ban Birds of America, depriving young birders of Audubon’s elegant illustrations, pored over page by page under a government-issued blanket after lights out, giving you hope that even a slender-framed, shivering boy could grow to be as majestic as a Hooded Merganser.

The Problem

On the internet, multinational corporations can screen content, or even “adapt” their services to fit the local government’s requests. In both libraries and on the Web, we’re susceptible to data being censored or manipulated by intermediaries.

The Solution

A peer-to-peer lending system backed up by a fully public ledger, allowing you to send and receive books freely to anybody in the world without worrying about censorship or interference. Want to add Catcher in the Rye, Fahrenheit 451, or your controversial essay on Audubon’s coloring techniques? No problem, even if the town surrounded you with pitchforks to ban them, these vital texts would be available to share neighbor to neighbor, impossible to delete.

That’s what our new internet will allow you to do too: exchange messages and files directly with their intended receiver, disperse ideas and information free from threats of censorship.


Pushing all transactions through a central authority = OPPRESSIVE!

Establishing a peer to peer exchange system based on an immutable public ledger = FREE!

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