This has been a terrible, terrible week. First Pied Piper suffered the loss of Peter Gregory, and then—at his actual memorial service—we learned that Gavin Belson and Hooli have filed suit against us for theft of intellectual property, unjust enrichment and a host of other trumped-up charges.
It’s funny because if there should be a lawsuit between our two companies, it should be myself suing Gavin Belson, for how I was treated at Hooli. My actual name is Donald, but he decided that was “too hard to remember,” and renamed me Jared. I was continually belittled and often denied bathroom breaks, which led to incidents I refuse to discuss.
On more than one occasion within my hearing, he referred to me as an “undead lesbian giantess.” But I digress. We at Pied Piper are certain that the suit is baseless, and that justice, common sense and our gallant attorney Ron “The Bomb” LaFlamme—who received his J.D. at Harvard—will prevail. (I have taken the liberty of assigning Ron the nickname “The Bomb,” and until I am certain it is acceptable, please do not mention it to him.)